Years ago, at an in person Christian Coaches Network International conference, I heard a coaching demonstration that changed how I coach from that day forward. An experienced coach worked with a volunteer “client” and masterfully deepened the client’s awareness. He listened carefully, helped the client sort through details, and at one point asked the client “what did that represent?”
“What did that represent?”
Sounded like a brilliant question to me and I didn’t know exactly why.
After the demonstration, I asked this master coach about this one powerful question. “Why did you ask that question?” And he told me that his mentor coach had challenged him on avoiding “why” questions.
Oh wow! Big shift in my thinking, as the value of this suddenly clicked for me.
“Why” implies judgement. The alternatives can elicit answers free of judgement.
|
“Why” Question |
Change to |
Alternative |
| Why did you do that? |
= |
What was your thinking behind that? |
| Why is that important to you? |
= |
What makes that important? |
| Why did you choose that? |
= |
What contributed to making that choice? |
Right then, I made a commitment to eliminating “why” questions from my conversations – both professionally and personally. For example, as a parent I can personally attest to the value of asking a teenager an alternative to “why did you do that?” There is a much better chance of getting a real answer that opens up a helpful conversation with “what was your thinking behind that?”
As coaches we engage in conversations that that bring awareness and growth and are free of judgement. Stepping away from the “why” questions and asking alternatives inspires conversations that are foundational to powerful coaching.
I’m challenging you to avoid why questions and choose alternatives. Will you accept the challenge? Let me know how it goes!
As I read this, Linda, it also dawned on me that a why question puts me in the position of having to justify my actions or words rather than allowing me to explore what I thought I was getting and why that was important. Thanks so much for sharing.
Yes! Putting others in the position of justifying rather than exploring is the opposite of taking a coaching approach to conversation. Thanks for sharing your response, Susan.
Linda,
Thanks for this helpful article. I remember one of the first things I learned in my coach training was to avoid why questions. I appreciate the reminder and the alternative questions. Very helpful!
Glad this was helpful, Dorita!
Could you remind me about once a month, to keep that fresh … to avoid the WHY questions…
NOW, I need to pay attention to my coaching calls next week to see if WHY has slipped in w/o my noticing. Thanks for this, Linda!
Haha! Yes, the shift takes practice and a commitment to noticing and eliminating your “whys.” Sounds like you are taking on the challenge, Pam – let me know how it goes!
fabulous reminder with concrete alternatives. Thank you!
Glad this was a helpful reminder, Mary!